Food / Life with Cancer / yoga

My Anger, My Inner World, And a love note to Agni!

My Anger…

I am so angry.  I’m angry because I’ve denied my anger for as long as I can remember.  I’ve denied my anger because I didn’t think it was pretty, or pleasing or useful.  I bought in to the Bullshit that in order to be a grown up, successful person, especially one who’s a yoga teacher, I would be pleased and gentle and kind and understanding, and above all I would put anyone else before myself, including anyone I walked past in the street and anyone who ever spoke to me, and anyone on the TV, and that’s everyone.  And then if my anger spoke up, I’d hush it away and try to pretend it wasn’t there.  Like shoving playdoh in to a pot that’s just a bit too small, bits spilling over the edges and me all the while trying to shove the lid on, playing ‘nothing to see here, anger, no, not me I’m calm and gentle and pleased about everything, stop looking at me funny and it’ll all go away’…

Buying in to this BS compounded the problem.  The problem was compounded of course, because anything that triggered my anger made me feel ashamed of myself, because I was feeling something I’d deemed inappropriate.  It was especially inappropriate because I’m a woman, and an angry woman is not attractive, and sometimes makes the people around her feel uncomfortable, and we need to preserve the illusion, so please don’t show up here anger, for goodness sake not here… It turns out that pleading with myself was as futile as the playdoh situation and just compounds shame by feeling helpless.

My Inner World…

So here I am acknowledging my anger!  I don’t care if it’s inappropriate, I don’t care if it’s too much, I don’t care what you think about it any more.  But I do care deeply, I care how I feel.  Fundamentally, deep down I care about myself and my anger is a signpost that something isn’t right.  My anger says ‘hey you, that’s not fair’, ‘I’m pretty sure that’s not right’.  It says ‘is anyone looking out for me here? can anyone hear me?’ and it says ‘yes I can’.  It says ‘yes I will’.  It says ‘set me free and let me change the world, ‘let me transform this girl’, ‘let me ignite a passion in you that will lead you deeper and deeper towards yourself in ever more fulfilling ways’.  My anger says ‘thank you to the society who suggested that I’m too loud, big, tall, fat, poor, angry etc. but no thank you’ and ‘hello to an inner relationship of love and honour’.  A relationship with myself that serves myself first, in the most deeply nourishing way, by listening to the small voices inside.  Honouring my needs, not overlooking them, accepting my self instead of feeling ashamed.  Compassionately listening and disagreeing and learning, in order to grow.  This relationship is the love of my life, my greatest passion and my most treasured connection and it is the foundation from which all life around me grows.  This is the relationship which enlightens my view of the world and it’s the bright shining star which allows me to navigate with ease.  My anger has shown me how to stop outsourcing my better judgement to anyone outside of me who I decide knows best, which at one point was anyone, desperately, longingly anyone.  My anger is pointing me towards myself with such heartfelt love that I can no longer deny it, I can only accept and love it for the treasure and insight it brings.  I follow it and it leads me and together we navigate the seas of my internal world.

And this is where my inner Yoga teacher becomes her most authentic self.  I begin to recognise my anger as life force, I recognise it as a power which can be stoked and cared for, or denied and dampened.  I do not see my cancer as separate from this.  I see the disease which visited me with such loving grace as a manifestation of this toxic inner state.  What else could my poor cells do when the message they were receiving unrelentingly was ‘you are too much and you are not enough’, they just needed a clear directive.  A boss lady who could accept the truth of her soul and lead her little cell people to liberation, and function and ease.

A love Note to Agni…

The inner fire in Yoga is also known as Agni, our Agni is responsible for all metabolic processes within the body, physical, mental & emotional.  Taking in and assimilating, breaking down and processing, all of which are nourishing and support healthy growth.  Denying the process is denying life itself, toxic thoughts, such as shame and denial are as quelling to the fire as toxic food or substance abuse.  Ultimately the inner fire will begin to die down and the system will fail to function.  Nurturing and supporting our inner fire by feeding it the good fuel, the self-love and acceptance, giving it a voice, the healthy nourishment and creative outlet, allowing the learning and the growth.  It will repay us with a genuine hunger, for our next hearty meal, for our lives and for our own personal growth.

Dear Agni,

My inner god of fire, my protector.  I see how I have neglected you now.  I’ve seen how strongly you burned and how fearful it made me feel.  I heaped you with shame instead of stoking you with love.  The toxic soot, smouldering from the cold damp logs of denial I heaped upon you almost killed you, but now you burn brightly again.  Agni, my saviour, my you burn strong, and warm.  I accept your gifts of clarity, of transformation, power, guidance and of life.  I will feed you with self acceptance, and authentic expression of yourself.  I will fuel you with an outlet that the world can see, and when the world looks back, no matter what their faces say, I will never again allow shame or judgement to dampen you, or society to mis-shape you.  You burn perfectly and that is everything to me.

Lauren x

2 thoughts on “My Anger, My Inner World, And a love note to Agni!

  1. I think you write beautifully Lauren,you sound like you are in touch with your feelings which I am struggling with, and indeed with a sense of purpose.

    Like

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